Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
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