If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
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His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
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It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Such a big mess for such a small penis
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