can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
MIDGETS
????
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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