i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
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