I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Randomize
