I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
At least life still wants to fuck me.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
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