my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
