I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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