My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
