I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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