Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Randomize
