Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
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