Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
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