I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
