the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Randomize
