I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
