whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
