I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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