remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
