Banned from zoo.
Again?
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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