I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
