I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Randomize
