Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
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