my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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