He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Randomize
