we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
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Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
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I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
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