I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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