Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
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What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
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Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize