I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
