whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Dear god my vagina.
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