when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Randomize
