Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
