So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
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