found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
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