This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
