If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Randomize
