Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
