and my herpes radar will keep us safe
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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