plz talk dirty to me
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Randomize
