i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
big game today.. looking forward to seeing that magic win, and then i will celebrate with a nude dip in lake Eola.. anyone else in??
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
