Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
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