Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
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