Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
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I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
its liver damage thursday
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