is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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