theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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