i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
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