omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Randomize
