When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
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