I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
