I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
