Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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