please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
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My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
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I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
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