i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
I'm really busy with my period
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