I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
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