The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Randomize
