It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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