Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
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if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
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I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
Randomize