Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Randomize
