3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
